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Watch out, Samantha Brown, I’m taking over.

January 12, 2008

I firmly believe I would make an excellent television show host. I could be the female Conan O’Brien, given the chance …but I can’t seem to grow his bodacious beard. (This comment may or may not have been influenced by the fact I am currently watching Conan.)
I’m not talking JUST a late night talk show (why aren’t there any women?), I’m talking ANY kind of show. Get me on “The Daily Show” as a correspondent or on “What Not to Wear” as another rude, stylish bitch. I’d really like to take over for Samantha Brown on “Passport to Europe” and “Passport to Latin America.” Listen up, Travel Channel. I am a pretty dece Italian speaker. I also know a handful of key phrases in other languages. For instance…
“Tengo catorce tortugas en mi camiseta.” Spanish. I have 14 turtles in my shirt.
“Je suis un ananas.” French. I am a pineapple.
“Meine Katze ist schmutzig.” German. My cat is dirty.

These are phrases I seriously know off the top of my head. See? Tell me a foreign phrase and I will remember it. AND USE IT. This is why I should have my own travel show. Or my mom can co-host because A) she’s really fucking funny and B) we have hilarious arguments. (If you knew my mom, you’d understand why this is a BRILLIANT idea.) This one time I said something mean so she slapped me. So I slapped her. So she slapped back. So I slapped her again. And then we started laughing… because what kind of daughter slaps her mother?!!! I don’t remember what I said, but I remember it was a great way to remedy an argument. Another time she tried to rename our cat. I told her she can’t just arbitrarily rename things for no reason. She said [exact quote], “Yes I can. And I’m going to rename you ‘Whore.'” She explained that it was a term of endearment. Sure, Mom. But can you imagine these conversations in an Italian piazza? Great television, folks. Don’t deny it. “Goddammit, Mom, just TRY the penne al tonno!”

I also think I could have a very successful show on the Food Network. Someone ought to pay me for all the calories I ingest. You see, I enjoy the finer things… expensive beer, fruity desserts, fresh veggies, anything that tastes like pumpkin or is covered in caramel or marinated in booze or has sprouts between two pieces of warm bread. Can someone PLEASE pay me for this? [BREAKING NEWS: Brian Williams just called Conan’s beard “ridiculous.” Brian Williams is my older-man-crush.] If someone won’t pay me to eat someone else’s food, I’ve been known to make a mean pot roast. Don’t you think the Food Network needs a show about shit you can make in a crockpot? I could be that show!

But please don’t tell the Food Network that I burn break and bake cookies.
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