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Your mom Googled me

February 3, 2008


Yours Truly: “She reads Bill O’Reilly for Kids with her 13 year old daughter!”
The Beau Named Joe: “I’d rather be skull-fucked.”

I swear he’s not vulgar. That’s what makes that comment particularly hilarious.

I’ve been getting some really awesome Google searches on my blog. Almost every day, someone wants to know something about Mandy Moore’s hair. Quite a few people want to know if you can bake cookies on a George Foreman grill (yes, but only the super fantastic George Foreman grill with interchangeable plates). But here are my favorite searches:
>> “I like sex with shit.” Okay, friend, I don’t think you found what you were looking for on this blog. I hope not, at least.
>> “sexy ladies in southern indiana” Sorry to burst your bubble, but there’s no such thing. I’m from northern Indiana. BIG difference.
>> “what should i wear to the mall of america in january?” Um, clothes, preferably.
>>
“samantha brown daily show” I think you mean Samantha Bee, dumbass.
>> “where in minnesota can i get an awesome short woman’s haircut?” Is this a haircut for short women or a short haircut for women? Either way, I don’t know.
>> “titanic the musical notre dame” I hope whoever searched that and found me wasn’t a parent of a cast member… That would be an awkward convo: “Did you sled down the stairs at the cast party, too, son? Were you INEBRIATED?”
>>
“defies all semblance of reality” Damn straight I do. Well, I like to THINK I live in a fantasy world.
>>
“funny stuff to discuss on the radio during lunch time” My life. This blog. Ladies from southern Indiana who defy all semblance of reality by having sex with shit at the Mall of America in January.

 

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. ~Angela~ permalink
    February 3, 2008 9:43 pm

    I’ve considered posting some of the weird searches that have led to me… Recent ones include:

    – amish hookers photos
    – bollywood furniture
    – stars with ocd
    – Can a middle aged man learn to do the splits?
    – “mystery illnesses” diet coke
    – “helen keller” “trump card” apples
    – 9th grader sings barbie girl
    – barbie autopsy photo
    – autopsy girl women photo picture
    – bee kay nude
    – black woman in Skidoo
    – cheating a gumball machine
    – I cry when I drink too little water
    – notredame bra
    – pictures of black death the plague
    – place for Angie to get new pants
    – rare Helen Keller jokes
    – things that are not boring
    – Titanic autopsy photos
    – Ugly Miss Americas
    – women that make your pants get tighter

    And about a million variations on the phrase “a little water clears us of this deed.”

    So basically, people are obsessed with autopsy photos. And my blog may or may not provide what they’re looking for.

  2. Jamie Lovely permalink
    February 3, 2008 10:09 pm

    I love reading google search terms. I always get hilarious one!

  3. andrea rose permalink
    February 3, 2008 10:18 pm

    Dude I know, some people really google weird shit and they end up at my door.

    Is that a real magazine? How horrifying!!

  4. Traci Anne permalink
    February 4, 2008 2:01 am

    Please tell me that’s Photoshopped and not a real publication. PLEASE.

  5. Maxie permalink
    February 4, 2008 5:18 am

    I get so many hits everyday for 27 dresses. I know that’s not funny or anything, but I can’t imagine why people search for it THAT MUCH!

    I also have gotten a bunch of searches for:
    gladiator camel toe- true. there is a lot of it.
    how to make a sequined belt- I have no clue. Why would you want to though?
    get super de duper drunk with me- Okay, who are you. Seriously… who searches for that.
    can I go to work with pink eye- really, shouldn’t you be asking a doctor that?

    people are crazy!

  6. Renee permalink
    February 4, 2008 7:25 am

    You guys, it’s not photoshopped and it’s not a magazine. It’s a book. For real. A book that made it on the NYT Bestseller’s list.

    Don’t think about that for too long. I don’t want anyone searching their medicine cabinets for their mom’s Prozac.

  7. Katelin permalink
    February 4, 2008 10:59 pm

    Haha I love Google searches! I love the “what to wear to mall of america” one. Someone must be getting truly dressed up for that one.

  8. magda permalink
    February 5, 2008 3:04 am

    I’m always amazed that people who enter these outlandish terms actually think that the snippets of our blogs show enough promise of an answer to follow through with the click. Pay attention, people!

    Thanks for checking me out, by the way! I like what I’ve seen so far of your blog, and I’ll definitely be back 🙂

  9. Carrie permalink
    February 5, 2008 5:07 am

    A hahahaha… I LOVE reading blog stats to see where/how people find blogs. Sometimes they are as entertaining as rants & raves on craigslist.

    I love how you responded; very mature. NO SERIOUSLY. All I did was draw all over the page I print-screen’d on to MS paint 😦

  10. Chelsea Talks Smack permalink
    February 5, 2008 5:32 am

    wait, how do you know that people searched these things?? how do you figure that out??

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