Letters to Life’s Editors
Dear occasionally germy people:
Go away. I do not like being in the same room as you. When you cough, I cringe and secretly curse you in my head, something to effect of, If you give me those germs, I swear I’ll go kamikaze on your ass. Don’t you know how to take better care of yourself?
Someone who will buy you anti-bacterial soap
Dear constantly germy people:
Quarantine yourself… preferably not in this state. Actually, can you just move to your own little infected island until you learn to wash your hands and cover your mouth when you decide to dispel the germs? Awesome, thanks.
An angry peer
WTF? Why do you exist?
A confused enemy
You’re fucking disgusting but I’m taking you anyways. Despite my relentless gagging, I really do appreciate all the work you do for my immune system when it’s worn out and inundated with nasties.
A grateful consumer
Dear 15 month old goddaughter:
I know you already have croup but I promise with all of my might that I’ll be healthy when I visit you on Sunday so you won’t feel any worse. And if I’m not healthy (again, not an option), I’ll figure out who got me sick (I have a few hunches) and eliminate them from our lives. Or you can leave them a “present” since you haven’t started toilet training yet.
Your awesome godmother who always buys you the COOLEST books
Dear Irish pub,
I promise I will still partake in fish, chips, and Guinness this evening.
A Scot who pretends she’s Irish