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Letters to Life’s Editors

February 29, 2008

Dear occasionally germy people:
Go away. I do not like being in the same room as you. When you cough, I cringe and secretly curse you in my head, something to effect of, If you give me those germs, I swear I’ll go kamikaze on your ass. Don’t you know how to take better care of yourself?
Love,
Someone who will buy you anti-bacterial soap

Dear constantly germy people:
Quarantine yourself… preferably not in this state. Actually, can you just move to your own little infected island until you learn to wash your hands and cover your mouth when you decide to dispel the germs? Awesome, thanks.
Love,
An angry peer

Dear germs:
WTF? Why do you exist?
Love,
A confused enemy

Dear AirBorne:
You’re fucking disgusting but I’m taking you anyways. Despite my relentless gagging, I really do appreciate all the work you do for my immune system when it’s worn out and inundated with nasties.
Love,
A grateful consumer

Dear 15 month old goddaughter:
I know you already have croup but I promise with all of my might that I’ll be healthy when I visit you on Sunday so you won’t feel any worse. And if I’m not healthy (again, not an option), I’ll figure out who got me sick (I have a few hunches) and eliminate them from our lives. Or you can leave them a “present” since you haven’t started toilet training yet.
Love,
Your awesome godmother who always buys you the COOLEST books

Dear Irish pub,
I promise I will still partake in fish, chips, and Guinness this evening.
Love,
A Scot who pretends she’s Irish

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Nate Ring permalink
    February 29, 2008 7:34 pm

    Dear Writer of blog,
    I enjoy this blog post, although, you forget. Misery loves what? Company!

    Those sickly bastards only want you to suffer with them :-P.

    Love,
    occasionally sick, but regularly healthy

  2. Susie permalink
    March 1, 2008 6:19 pm

    I hateee germs too. I never get sick (knock on wood) and can’t stand germy people who are always trying to spread something. Stay away!!

    I hope your goddaughter gets better!

  3. Maxie permalink
    March 1, 2008 8:58 pm

    What flavor airborne are you taking? I really like the grapefruit!

  4. Renee permalink
    March 1, 2008 9:16 pm

    Maxie- I’m using the lemon-lime flavor. Maybe I’ll switch to grapefruit after this pack if it’s as good as you say it is!!

  5. Jenn permalink
    March 3, 2008 2:34 pm

    I cringe when people cough around me. Especially when they’re right next to me, like on the train. It bothers me when they hack up a lung into their hand then touch the seat or pole next to them. Ew.

  6. Maurey Pierce permalink
    March 4, 2008 5:03 pm

    I am about the most germophibic person you could ever hope to meet. Despite it, though, I still manage to get sick once a year—and badly.

    Purell!

  7. FeministGal permalink
    March 5, 2008 4:09 am

    hahahaha, TOUCHE!!!!!!! 🙂

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