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Guest Blogger Angela: Eavesdropper Extraordinaire

March 6, 2008

Hello out there!

This is Angela of ~angelaboration~, filling in for Renee. Don’t worry, she’ll be back soon. No, please don’t cry. It’ll be okay. I promise. She’ll be back before you know it. And in the meanwhile, maybe I can cheer you in her absence?

I had a much more traditional subject in mind when I was considering how to write this post. But after what happened to me on Wednesday night, that changed. I can’t possibly write about anything else. And I think you’re going to thank me for it.

Wednesday night I experienced what was perhaps the best eavesdropping session of my life. No, seriously. OF MY LIFE. The whole thing. Twenty-three years, and this is pretty unbeatable. (the runner-up conversation involves a girl describing the lengths she was willing to go to help improve Notre Dame’s football team… let’s just say it involved a hotel, a lot of liquor, and some things that I’m pretty sure could get you arrested in Alabama).

And as this glorious conversation was happening, I broke out the “notepad” function of my new cell phone to chronicle it for you. I have a habit of writing down quotations at my workplace, and it has become second nature to me now. Taking dictation on the sly wasn’t too far off. I do my best to NEVER paraphrase (most quotations are funniest when experienced as verbatim anyway), so what you’re about to read is very true to life. I think this is almost word for word what I overheard.

I swear I didn’t make this up. (Frankly, I don’t think I could’ve made this stuff up if I’d tried.)

I was waiting at an L stop at 1:00am next to a girl (African American, mid-20s, good hair) on her cell phone. She had headphones plugged into it. No, not an earpiece. Like actual huge headphones. And she held the cell phone up to her mouth as though she were talking into a tape recorder.

WARNING: This conversation is rated PG-13 for sexual content

Here are the bits and pieces that I was able to jot down (I’ll skip lines whenever the other person on the phone was talking):

Photoshop is an interesting tool. Maybe it wasn’t his body at all.

How do you know it was his body?

How do you date a guy after he sends you a text message of his penis?

It’s just hard to take him seriously after he’s sent you a photo of his member.

How many did he send?

Wait, he plays in the NBA, right?

You think he insured it for that much?

So it’s big.

Well, blackmail and all.

(I thought she’d said “black male” until the next line)

It worked on Kobe.

You could take him to court, saying he sent you explicit pictures and you asked him to stop, but he wouldn’t. And you’d be on the stand crying…

That wasn’t a transition, that was a train wreck.

(Based on her tone, I think that last line came because her friend tried to change the subject)

I wouldn’t date someone who sent me their privates, but there’s never been 40 million dollars attached to those privates.

It’s ugly???

How ugly?

Hahaha.

Girl, I told you I was tired. Everything’s funny.

So the question is, do you date a guy in the NBA after he sent you his penis?

(break for boring conversation… then back to good stuff)

My fiancé and I came to the agreement that I could have sex while he was gone.

(Note: it sounded like he’s been gone for awhile. Possibly in the armed forces.)

Only a little.

I tested the waters a little bit, but the water was cold.

Him? No, I’m not sleeping with him.

*something I didn’t quite catch about sharing a futon with a man named Randy (who is decidedly NOT her fiancé)*

I will purposefully come home from the gym all sweaty and get right into bed and under the covers so that he’ll stay on his side of the futon.

I don’t want to be groped in the middle of the night.

His penis is a good size, but it’s just alright. I wouldn’t post it on Facebook or anything.

No, I wouldn’t send it in a text message, either. It’s not like it’s a 40 million dollar penis.

The sex wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t what I was used to. But I guess that even if you’re used to something and then you have something great you’re still gonna know it was great. So in that case, it wasn’t great.

Finding out that Chris Brown and Rihanna have a relationship was better than sex with Randy. So yeah, it was bad.

I didn’t want to knock him or anything, but it was bad.

I told you, I’m tired.

Sadly, that was when the train showed up and I was separated from her.

Luckily, there was one other shining moment in my night.

When I got off a train to transfer to another line, I was followed by a huge transvestite (whom I will refer to with female pronouns) wearing a bad blonde wig, tight jeans with bling all over them, and the sort of boxy leather jacket that made me question whether she was wearing shoulder pads (I think it was all her). She was saying goodbye to someone and ended up trying to get off just as the door was closing, but stuck her arm through and attempted to pry the doors apart until the train operator reopened them.

As soon as she got off the train, she came and stood next to me, and then waved at the man she had just said goodbye to. She tapped me on the shoulder (sort of grabbed me, actually), pointed to the man she’d just walked away from, and said, “See him? That’s my baby-daddy.”

Part of me wondered if she’d meant to say “sugar daddy”, but I got the impression that she was really trying to pass for female (and failing). I didn’t know what to do. I got my shoulder out of her grip as I said, “oh yeah?”

She said, “Yeah. But I can’t sleep with him tonight. He said I have to go home to my own place.”

Then she drunkenly tripped on her hooker boots, stumbled into me, and started laughing. We didn’t talk any more after that.

May you have a life worth eavesdropping on.

~A~

P.S. Go visit my blog. Because if you don’t, I’ll sue you for sending me explicit text messages. Or I’ll get a tranny’s baby-daddy to knock you out. Something like that.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Jenn permalink
    March 6, 2008 3:19 pm

    Why do these things never happen to me on the train?!

    I’d be cracking up if I were you. Or I’d actually ask her to repeat that last part so I could make sure I wrote it down correctly 🙂

    Thanks for sharing! These stories made my morning!

  2. ~Angela~ permalink
    March 6, 2008 8:00 pm

    @ Jenn – Yeah, I’ve had some interesting experiences on L trains and stops. Like the guy who told me his whole life story. Or seeing a man that I think was a pimp. Or the first time I saw a man’s genitalia…

    Ah, memories.

    Glad you enjoyed.

  3. pinksundrops permalink
    March 6, 2008 9:41 pm

    How did you write all that down without that girl ever noticing you?!

    Oh and your description of her phone reminded me of the time I saw a woman talking on a red corded phone hooked up to her cell phone. She talked on the huge red phone part (just like a normal corded house phone) and carried the cell phone in her bag slung over her shoulder. The oddness and bulkiness people go to to talk on their cell phone amazes me.

  4. ~Angela~ permalink
    March 6, 2008 10:26 pm

    @ PinkSunDrops – My cell phone has a slide out keyboard (I have a Rumor), so I just acted like I was text messaging someone. There was at least once when I had to pull the phone in close to me so that she couldn’t eye what I was writing. But she was pretty wrapped up in what she was doing. At one point, I even laughed out loud at something she said without her noticing. (Yay for huge headphones!)

  5. March 6, 2008 11:50 pm

    Wow. And that is exactly why I love eavesdropping.

    Thanks for sharing!

  6. ~Angela~ permalink
    March 7, 2008 6:29 am

    @ EP – My pleasure. 🙂

  7. Carrie permalink
    March 7, 2008 11:21 pm

    WHOA YOWZA. That was one helluva interesting conversation to find yourself semi-in.

    Isn’t ‘notepad’ on the cellphone the best least used invention ever??

  8. tipptalk permalink
    March 8, 2008 3:00 am

    Hahaha I love to eavesdrop, otherwise we would be in the dark on so much!

    One of my favorite websites is overheardinnewyork.com the ultimate eavesdroppers haven and such funny stuff!

  9. Gooseberried permalink
    March 8, 2008 7:55 am

    Holy shit!

  10. ~Angela~ permalink
    March 9, 2008 7:24 pm

    @ Carrie – Yes, notepad has come very much in handy lately. I was excited to get it on my new phone (a Rumor), as I haven’t had it before. Sadly, I don’t have a stopwatch function on this phone… Win some, lose some.

    @ TippTalk – I actually submitted the line about Chris Brown and Rihanna to Overheard In Chicago.

    @ gooseberried – I know!

  11. ~Angela~ permalink
    March 10, 2008 4:33 pm

    Hey look what made it on to Overheard In Chicago…

    Randy, That’s Very Bad

  12. theedeeter permalink
    March 12, 2008 12:05 am

    So I was walking thru the Le Mans tunnel to the DH tonight for dinner, heard this, and thought of you.

    “If I’m 80 and still alive, I’m going to eat the whole world.”
    And of course, a conversation about Golden Corral ensued after.

  13. ~Angela~ permalink
    March 12, 2008 2:06 pm

    Haha. Nice. You should submit that to Overheard Everywhere

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