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October 7, 2008

I struggle constantly for authenticity in my life. I believe I can achieve it. I ache for an authentic equality in my relationship, an authentic sexuality, authentic hungers, authentic spirituality, and a personal authentic style. I strive to be true to myself, authentic at my core, not just unique in vanity. I yearn for what is best for me, for my life, at this very moment.

I need to do what is best by my own standards. I don’t need to be the best. I don’t need to carry everyone else’s weight on my own shoulders. I don’t need unnecessary burdens. I need my health, I need the love in my heart, I need support.

I need authenticity.

I have not been true to myself. I have not put myself first. I have been selfless, which is different than unselfish. I have not even counted my self as a being. I must take a step back. I must struggle to find my authentic voice once again. I must purge jealousy and guilt in order to see myself as an equal player once again.

I will find my voice. I will reclaim my voice. I will use my voice. I will relax. I will speak up. I will not be cut-throat. I will love. I will relax. I will not let myself stress. I will be true. I will speak truth. I will relax. I will take what I need and give what I can. I will ask for help. I will ask questions. I will relax. I will find beauty. I will seek honesty. I will rejuvenate. I will focus on my own authentic needs. And I will relax.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. Ben permalink
    October 7, 2008 10:19 pm

    And do I ever hope you find it. I think we could all use a little realism and commendable (sorry for the pompous word) goals like these to strive for.

  2. Mandy permalink
    October 7, 2008 10:31 pm

    That is a beautiful post. I hope you find peace. One of my favorite quotes is “To thine ownself be true,” I even have a bracelet that is inscribed with it.

  3. Rachel permalink
    October 7, 2008 10:41 pm

    You are me a few years ago. I can’t tell you how things will turn out for you, but I can say that if you stay true to what you said here you WILL be all right.

  4. michelle woo permalink
    October 8, 2008 12:02 am

    I know how you feel. I think it simply comes with passion and life.

  5. rachel elizabeth permalink
    October 8, 2008 2:13 am

    girl, i hope so much you find what you’re after. lifes rough, especially at the age we’re at… xoxo

  6. October 8, 2008 4:36 pm

    You will find these. I think we all go through a period of time like this and once you’ve reached your goal, you can look back and smile at the journey you’ve taken.

    This is a beautiful post, Renee.

  7. Ashley permalink
    October 8, 2008 6:06 pm

    I loved this post.

    It’s so real and so honest.

    Caring about the important stuff is what matters. Take care of yourself. 🙂

  8. Maegan permalink
    October 8, 2008 6:23 pm

    I am with you 100% …you’ll find it …it comes and goes with me…but I always know when I find it ….and those times seem to be lasting a bit longer than they used to.

    I love your blog layout! The colors and background …fabulous!

  9. Jenn permalink
    October 8, 2008 8:38 pm

    This was a beautiful post Renee.

  10. Sandy permalink
    October 10, 2008 1:51 am

    You need this. Especially now, since you’ve been running yourself tired.
    Beautiful post, and I hope you find it soon 🙂
    Hope everythings going well!

  11. Phil permalink
    October 10, 2008 5:32 am

    I read this when you posted it the other day and totally forgot to comment. And it was a riveting and interesting comment that I’ve since totally and lamely forgotten.

    But I will say this: you and me, girl, you and me. I’m also striving for that authenticity, and for the passion and drive and discipline to do what I need to, when I need to, and to hopefully enjoy myself along the way.

  12. Susie permalink
    October 10, 2008 12:07 pm

    I agree. You’re going through lots of changes right now but I have a feeling you’ll come out on top 🙂

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