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When did my uterine activity become public fodder?

November 6, 2009

We were hit with a strange blow a week or so ago. Apparently, rumor around Joe’s office was we are pregnant and that’s why we are moving.  This rumor was met with a resounding OH HELL NO.

But it’s not the only inkling we’ve heard of this.

When we were looking at houses and apartments, our agent mentioned something about kids and added, “You don’t think so now, but just you wait.” One of my favorite customers asked me -out of nowhere- if I had kids. The freaking Knot Nest keeps sending me STUPID NEWSLETTERS about babies. FACEBOOK wants me to procreate IMMEDIATELY. Okay, now I’m just angry about it.

Here’s the thing. We got married three months ago. Sure, kids will be great… but we’re still kids ourselves. We’re 23 years old! I am nowhere near baby fever; I still get anti-baby hives thinking about sex. We still argue over petty things, we still eat dinner on the couch, we still leave our folded laundry in the living room for days, and we never clean our kitchen. WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR READY FOR KIDS. Just because we’re moving to a house with a yard and a third bedroom doesn’t mean we’re going to busy. A family doesn’t make a home. And the incessant baby buzz coming at us from all angles doesn’t make a family.

I’ve lead my life by the story I was supposed to follow thus far. I’ve done it by the books. But now it’s my turn. To those who are pressuring us to “settle down,” I say:

Please stop.
Please stop writing my story.
I have so much left to say myself before I say it through children.

26 Comments leave one →
  1. November 6, 2009 5:09 pm

    As a newlywed myself, THANK YOU!!!!

    You’ve summed up exactly what I’d like to say to all of the people who rush to say, “Pregnant?” when I just have a stomach ache or the munchies. UGH!

  2. November 6, 2009 5:20 pm

    Isn’t it funny how that always happens? You start dating someone and reach a certain point in time where they start asking about your engagement. You get engaged and they want all the details, even if you don’t know them. You tie the knot and the kids question immediately follows.


    But maybe they’re just making conversation?

  3. Carolina permalink
    November 6, 2009 5:29 pm

    “Please stop.
    Please stop writing my story.
    I have so much left to say myself before I say it through children.”

    Love, love, love…those 3 lines!! As someone who doesn’t have kids and doesn’t necessarily feel the URGENCY to go down that route any time soon, I LOVE the way you chose to express “mind your own damn business ppl!”

    keep on writing it…I will keep reading!!

  4. November 6, 2009 5:42 pm

    YES! You said everything I am thinking in this present moment. We visited my in-laws in Utah this past weekend, & my father in law was devastated when he found out we weren’t having kids anytime soon, & perhaps ever. We must have discussed my ovaries, my uterus, & me giving birth for about 2 hours. It was cute for the first few seconds, but it got old real quick. I wanted to scream, LEAVE ME ALONE!

    I totally know how you feel.

  5. November 6, 2009 5:48 pm

    Thank you! That is exactly what I want to say! My husband and I haven’t even been married six months yet, and people are already trying to pick out baby clothes.

    I know I want kids some day, but some day does not equal today. I think it is so important to live life as a married couple and do the things you want to do in life before having kids. They are a great chapter in life, but not the only one worth living.

  6. mrssoup permalink
    November 6, 2009 5:51 pm

    Our daughter is 9 months old, and we keep getting asked when we’ll have another.

    It never ends. Ever.

  7. November 6, 2009 5:54 pm

    You’d think I’d have an easy out, being gay and all, but I get it too, believe it or not. I’ve been asked on many occasions whether I plan to adopt. The current answer is no, of course. I’m too young, and my partner and I are at such different points in our lives as it is that neither of us really wants to go there. We’re very content as we are.

    Of course, I imagine the number of times we’ve been asked that is a mere fraction, but I at least on that tiny level, I can relate. You tell ’em, girl! They should be proud that you know yourself so well, and that you actually consider your position, since there are many, many people who do not.

  8. November 6, 2009 5:57 pm

    Oh yes, I get it a lot. Though it’s hard when you have the desire to have kids, but then feel like you’re just not quite ready. So when people ask you all the time, you’re like Okay! I get it, so unless you decide to gift us with a nice big house and bags of money, you’ll have to shut it.

    But I do see the bright side, in that at least people think you and your hubby would make good parents. Because there are those people that you never bring up kids to them because they seem like such a mess, you’d hate to see kids added to it. I bet those people never get asked those questions 🙂

  9. laura251 permalink
    November 6, 2009 6:30 pm

    It’s freaking me out enough that people I went to high school with are having kids! Although I finished 6 years ago, I still feel 18 in so many aspects of my life.
    And working with 24 five year olds everyday and that is an amazing contraceptive. Wait it out a bit, go live as a kid now so that when you do have them, you’ll be amazing and can demonstrate that it’s ok to be a kid forever.

  10. November 6, 2009 8:20 pm

    Yikes! I love your last three lines, & I think it’s so true. I’ve been asked a LOT lately when I plan to tie the knot. And, being 20? It’s not even so much of a “no thank you” as an “are you KIDDING!?”
    So. I feel you.

  11. November 6, 2009 8:36 pm

    If only the world could accept the fact that everyone lives life as they want it, at their own pace, then the pestering would cease.

  12. November 7, 2009 9:50 am

    It’s funny, isn’t it?

    Like Doni said, there is always the pressure. For getting engaged, getting married, having kids, buying a house, blah blah blah.

    But I think people just like to give us unsolicited advice.

    When I was a senior in college, teaching 4th graders at a wealthy parish, the parents were AGHAST that I was getting married at age 22. So young! Live a little! What are you thinking?!

    Way to make me paranoid that I’ll end up divorced by age 24, people.

    I’ve heard conflicting points of voice (and that wonderful friend advice again!) about babies – Get started now! It’s hard to get pregnant when you’re older! And you have more energy now! AND Waiiit. What’s the rush? Get your career settled and THEN have kids.

    I think I’ve just learned to ignore all advice and find a happy middle ground – since it IS our decision after all.

    Thank you for this! On behalf of 20-somethings EVERYWHERE who have been pestered about their decisions and futures. Amen.

  13. November 7, 2009 3:32 pm

    Stick to your guns girl. Even though we are struggling now, waiting to get pregnant was the BEST thing we could have done for ourselves and for our marriage. Ignore, ignore, ignore. People will always have an opinion on how you should live your life.

  14. November 7, 2009 4:24 pm

    Wow, I can’t believe there would be rumors at his office about you two. I didn’t really think people at work cared about other people’s personal lives.

    I feel you though. Everyone keeps asking me and my husband when we’re having children. Just because we got married does not necessarily mean it’s the next step in life! We do want to have children but we know we’re not financially ready yet.

    And I’m glad to know we’re not the only couple that still eat dinner on the couch/coffee table.

  15. November 7, 2009 5:45 pm

    This post speaks to me! We are going through the same thing, we have only been married for a little over a year. SERIOUSLY…what is the rush? Keep enjoying this time you have together pre-family (if that is in the cards at all) because its the best ever.

  16. November 8, 2009 10:04 am

    I do have to stand up for the coffee shop customer. I will ask people too if they have kids, it’s a small talk thing. If the person says yes then we can share stories about our little rascals, if they say no I move on to the next topic.

    Someone will always ask you questions, I have people always asking me when I’m having my next kid. Then we have to have that awkward moment when I tell them i can’t. I’ll get asked when I’m returning to work, when I’m buying a house, if I’m going back to school, etc. It’s all innocent small talk to me.

    Now those that pretty much tell you to take your next life step? They can blow it out their butts.

  17. November 9, 2009 9:29 am

    Amen, girlfriend.

    Been married since May, and
    if I’m tired, “Are you pregnant”
    hungry? “Pregnant?”
    Unhappy about something, PMSing, or in a slightly unusual mood – “Got a bun in the oven?”


  18. November 9, 2009 12:19 pm

    Ya know, it doesn’t matter what stage you’re at – family, friends, Fbook all try to make you move quicker.

    I have a boyfriend and I swear everyone wants to know when we’re getting engaged. We’re not even together two years yet! I suppose it happens to all of us at those different points in life. I wish people would get a clue!

  19. November 9, 2009 12:23 pm

    People are so lame.

    Mister and I have been married for over a year now and we’re still safe from people jabbing us about having kids. If people don’t know what to talk about, I get that they start at the most broad and obvious points but really. When you’re dating, you’re being harassed about getting engaged. When you’re engaged, it’s wedding details. After you have kids they probably ask about siblings.

    How about, if you don’t know me, my life, and you don’t have the time to get to know me, lets just skip this kind of small talk altogether. It’s none of their business!

  20. November 9, 2009 4:03 pm

    Sadly I’m married and 31 w/o kids and they’re still asking. I don’t think they’re telling more like it’s expected kind of thing. Like I posted earlier there are life hurdles and special ages/events that go in a pattern and it’s just expected after marriage comes kids. Or in my case new cars and vacations. Much better than pukey, poopy kids.

  21. November 9, 2009 8:25 pm

    oh man i feel ya on that one. several people have asked when matt and i are going to have kids and we’re not even married. but i keep saying at least a couple years, i am so not ready for bebes yet, as cute as they are, no thank you.

  22. November 9, 2009 9:21 pm

    Ugh. This happens to me, too – my boyfriend’s family once gave us a gift wrapped in a pregnancy test box because it was “funny.” And then his mom was half upset when I INSISTED I’m nowhere near pregnant.

    Good for you for doing what you feel is right, not what others think you should be doing!

  23. November 10, 2009 3:34 pm

    Gah. I cannot even IMAGINE dealing with that, though I know we will once we get married, too. (One of my current pet peeves? Facebook ads telling me I need to lose weight to be a bride. WTF?!)

    It boggles my mind that some people think the logical step after getting married is immediately procreating. I know, personally, that I want to wait a little while and enjoy my marriage before giving kids a try.

    Stay strong, lady.

  24. November 13, 2009 7:17 pm

    Oh boy, I can imagine what you are going through.

    I’m 26 myself, and in limbo between insanely committed and soon to be married.

    Just gotta wait for some technicalities. I definitely have baby fever, but I have been with my fiance for 3 years so I figure we have enough time under our belt to start trying after we get married.

    Just let the comments roll off your back darlin =D

  25. November 15, 2009 3:41 pm

    Hehe… all the descriptors of why you are not ready still describes us, and we just had our first 2 months ago. We realized (several years later in life than you are currently) that we wouldn’t feel “ready” until my uterus had shriveled up to the size and consistency of a raisin. So we just went for it, and it’s been great. So someday, consider that you may not feel ready but yet may be ready. Just throwin it out there.

  26. November 17, 2009 4:41 pm

    My good friend and I have often wondered why people can’t just ENJOY what we have going on in our lives. Why must it *always* be about the next step!? Is that really necessary!? I think not. And frankly, as someone who can be influenced fairly easily, I get annoyed when people impose their thoughts on me because, um, I might start to feel the way think I should feel or want what they think I should want. So frustrating.

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