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Fear of not feeling goooood

March 22, 2010

I feel good right now. I feel GOOD, you guys. It’s because lately I’ve been determined to FEEL GOOD. I get too run down and too grouchy to enjoy myself when I simply don’t take care of myself.

So I started my new feel good routine today. I woke up early for work so I had an hour to myself before I had to leave at 5:20. (Yes, this does mean I VOLUNTARILY woke up at 4:15am.) I had me a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal. I caught up on healthcare reform. I did my makeup, which never happens in my early mornings. But I was determined to feel good.

I didn’t let my blood sugar drop at work. When I got tired, I made a fruit smoothie instead of a sugary latte. When I got hungry, I ate leftovers that I packed with me instead of munching on a bagel. And when I got home? I opened the windows, took off my shoes, unrolled my yoga mat, and challenged myself for half an hour. Then I made a salad of romaine, tomatoes, and balsamic vinaigrette and read the mail…. instead of taking a nap.

In other words, I’m feelin’ GOOD.

These are the kinds of days that lend themselves to introspection. Why do I feel good today? (Because I took care of my body.) What am I afraid of? What did I learn? What do I need to know?

Upon reflection, I realize my life is busy busy busy working two jobs and fitting in social time and me time. But it’s rewarding work. The money is good, I finally feel like I’m contributing again to our household, and I’m getting the time I desire for fun stuff. My hard work pays off.

But then I look at my calendar and see events in my future that I don’t think I even want to go to.
There are weddings I don’t feel like attending this summer because I don’t want to take time off and I don’t really know the couples.
I don’t know if I want to go to Vegas because I can’t afford to and I’m afraid it won’t be as fun and fulfilling as last time.
I don’t know if I want to go to the joint birthday being thrown in April because I’ll lose nearly $300 just by taking the weekend off.

But mostly, I’m afraid of disappointment. Which is a sorry excuse, I know. But when I feel THIS good, the last thing I want to do is NOT feel this good. I’m comfortable. I’m enjoying the little things. I’m taking care of myself for once. Do I have to take the risk of disappointing myself?

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. March 22, 2010 3:33 pm

    I totally understand where you’re coming from, but the hard part of striking the balance for me is managing not disappoint those I care about in an effort not to disappoint myself. Would your friends miss you at their wedding? Maybe not. Would your friends miss you in Vegas? Definitely. That shouldn’t make your decision for you, but it should be taken into consideration, because the feeling of disappointing your friends can bring you down too :p.

    All that being said, GOOD FOR YOU! for making time for yourself and taking care of your body and mind :).

  2. March 22, 2010 3:41 pm

    I agree with Mary. I have such a hard time drawing the line between doing what is best for myself and feeling like I am being selfish. I don’t want to get too stuck in my routines but I don’t want to force myself to do things I don’t want to do.

    Awesome job on taking care of yourself! You have made me want to go home and do yoga, which is odd because I have never actually tried yoga.

  3. March 22, 2010 10:11 pm

    Oh this is a tough situation. It’s a tough line to walk between doing something for you and missing out on things but honestly, do what’s best for you and those who really love you, will understand.

  4. March 22, 2010 10:35 pm

    I feel you on this one, friend, because I am the SAME WAY. And those days where things feel so good… they are the best, and you want to keep that routine because you feel so good.

    I don’t know the right answer, but I do know that listening to your instinct and gut feeling is usually a good thing. Even if you might miss that money you’d make on a weekend, is it worth that much to spend time with friends? I like to ask myself questions like that whenever I don’t know what to do.

  5. March 23, 2010 1:28 pm

    “I don’t know if I want to go to Vegas because I can’t afford to and I’m afraid it won’t be as fun and fulfilling as last time.”

    Even though I’m going (I paid for my hotel room), I’m afraid of this too. Really, really afraid.

  6. March 23, 2010 10:02 pm

    I know how you feel, I know exactly how you feel! I am not going to Vegas either because of finances and while I’d love to go, the thought of 100 bloggers is also overwhelming. It’s a hard balance finding the happiness with yourself and making sure you don’t become a complete hermit crab (some days I would like to be!). Anyway, you just have to trust your instincts and go with what you feel is right. We can’t make everyone happy and in the end, you have to live with YOUR happiness so sometimes, being a tiny bit selfish is just fine! 🙂

  7. March 23, 2010 10:59 pm

    So glad your morning routine is making you feel so great. The idea and potential of disappointment is scary but try not to dwell on it. Focus on the moment, the fact that you’re happy and what makes you happy. The other things will come. Take care of yourself, and honestly, my best advice is – if you don’t want to do something don’t do it.

  8. March 25, 2010 12:19 am

    There are a lot of reasons I am not going to Vegas, and at first I was reallllly bummed, but now that I’ve seen how massive it’s gotten, I’m not so bummed.

    But, yes, keep taking care of yourself–at the end, it’s your time, not anyone else’s.

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