We were hit with a strange blow a week or so ago. Apparently, rumor around Joe’s office was we are pregnant and that’s why we are moving. This rumor was met with a resounding OH HELL NO.
But it’s not the only inkling we’ve heard of this.
When we were looking at houses and apartments, our agent mentioned something about kids and added, “You don’t think so now, but just you wait.” One of my favorite customers asked me -out of nowhere- if I had kids. The freaking Knot Nest keeps sending me STUPID NEWSLETTERS about babies. FACEBOOK wants me to procreate IMMEDIATELY. Okay, now I’m just angry about it.
Here’s the thing. We got married three months ago. Sure, kids will be great… but we’re still kids ourselves. We’re 23 years old! I am nowhere near baby fever; I still get anti-baby hives thinking about sex. We still argue over petty things, we still eat dinner on the couch, we still leave our folded laundry in the living room for days, and we never clean our kitchen. WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR READY FOR KIDS. Just because we’re moving to a house with a yard and a third bedroom doesn’t mean we’re going to busy. A family doesn’t make a home. And the incessant baby buzz coming at us from all angles doesn’t make a family.
I’ve lead my life by the story I was supposed to follow thus far. I’ve done it by the books. But now it’s my turn. To those who are pressuring us to “settle down,” I say:
Please stop.
Please stop writing my story.
I have so much left to say myself before I say it through children.
Pouty lips. I can’t do ‘em. I have nicely shaped lips, I’ve never complained… but that MySpace pouty face that all the kids do these days? I can’t do it. You know, that face that Megan Fox and her epic Transformers lip gloss made famous? And, trust me, I’ve tried to do it. I’ve humored myself for hours with PhotoBooth trying to do that stupid face.
…aaaaaaand I’ve documented it solely for your entertainment.
I give up.
You know how I’m already furnishing and refurnishing and making plans in my house that I don’t live in yet? Yeah. I’m thinking now I need a keyboard in my dining room.
Well, here’s the deal. If for some unfortunate reason I don’t become Food Network Famous, I want to be these girls:
ETA: Yup, the girl on the left is “The Gooch,” better known as Ted’s ukelele-playing girlfrend on Scrubs. I knew I had to get my paws on these vids when I read an interview with them in Bust magazine.
In case you haven’t been following along on Twitter, there’s some exciting news in the Renee and Joe household. We’ve leased a HOUSE! Yes, we took your advice, we’d already crunched the numbers. We know this is feasible. We might have to cancel Christmas between the two of us, but it’s worth it to join the ranks of Real Married Couples with Yards and Garages and No More Noisy Neighbors Who Share Our Walls.
This house is what realtors would call quaint. Or cozy. Or any other word that’s used as a euphemism for small. It looks like a little box on the corner of an adorable neighborhood, but when you walk in the front door, you’ll understand how much time, money, and effort the landlord has thrown into this place. It’s been almost entirely remodeled, with wood laminate floors, new countertops, lots of colored paint, and all new bathrooms. (Seriously, these bathrooms are ridic.) I’m already picturing our furniture in this place. (Which begs the question – how do you think our sage couch will look in a tan and burgandy living room? Hideously Christmasy or warm and awesome?) I’m already planning which corner our Christmas tree will occupy. I’m already putting rugs in bathrooms and organizing closets and designating cabinets. I’m planting a garden and grilling brats on the patio. I’m composting. I’m doing all those things in my head that I’ve been wanting to do since I moved out here. Oh shit, I’m nesting.
We’re excited.
And we need a snow shovel.
I want a Food Network show. I’ve decided I will only feel truly successful if I have a Food Network show. Not only do I consider Guy Fieri and Duff Goldman my bffs, I also subscribe to the Food Network magazine and talk back to Giada like I know more Italian than she does.
Regardless, here’s my plan.
I’m kind of a kickass barista, in case you haven’t heard. So kickass that my bosses are sending me to advanced barista school where part of the curriculum is learning how to compete in barista competitions. That’s the first step to my Food Network show. I will learn how to compete and then I will compete. There’s a Midwest Barista Competition that I had hoped to go to this weekend, but I had to volunteer to work my Halloween. That’s okay. I can’t compete yet. I don’t have mad skillz to drop yet. Here are the steps to getting a Food Network show after I graduate from barista school:
1. Compete in a barista competition.
2. Win barista competition.
3. Win other barista competitions.
4. Food Network must host a Food Network Challenge: Latte Art or something equally awesome/coffee related.
5. Win Food Network Challenge: Mocha Madness.
6. Show Food Network how cute and bubbly I am and how good of a barista I am.
7. Get my own show. Travel to independent coffee roasters and a) drop some knowledge on those baristas and b) taste delicious home-roasted brews and discuss the nougaty aftertaste and hints of lemony berry of certain blends. (See? I speak coffee tasting!)
But seriously, Food Network, let’s get on this. Some people plead to Google, others plead to Etsy. I plead to my true love, Food Network and coffee. I know my stuff. I’m super cute. And I drink a lot of coffee.
Who’s going to help me?
What would you do?
When Joe and I moved to the Chicago ‘burbs, we chose a place that was comfortable, affordable, and was across the street from the only people we knew in the ‘burbs. It’s been home for the last 15 months. Joe has been commuting half an hour southwest for the past 15 months. For the first four months, I commuted an hour northeast. Then I commuted an hour fifteen due south. What I’m trying to say is it’s been a central location for us. But now we’re both working in the same town, both commuting half an hour to the same street essentially. And that town? Is a bajillion times cuter than this one.
Everyone has been asking, “Why don’t you just move there?”
Well, in a nutshell, the answer is… because our lease was up the day we got married. And we weren’t going to move and get married in the same week. So we renewed the lease. And shot ourselves in the foot, duh.
We’ve been looking for deals, you know, first month free, no security deposit, etc. We can’t find ‘em. We met up with a realtor today. He showed us a few places… one was too big and too expensive. One was super dumpy and sucky. One was the cutest little house in the entire world but was a bit out of our price range but had an apartment in the basement that we could rent to a friend for cheap and then split the utilities. (Who wants to live with us?)
So no deals. Which means breaking our lease and still paying a security deposit and rent in a new place. Which means a lot a lot a lot of money. Keep in mind, we paid for a hefty chunk of our wedding. We paid for our honeymoon. I work in a coffeeshop. We have a LOT of student loan debt. We aren’t really well off. In fact, we would have to take a loan (from Bank of Dad and/or from Joe’s 401K) in order to make this work.
BUT the pros include saving approximately $100-150 in gas each month, saving in taxes, sleeping in just a little later since we won’t have a half hour commute and I won’t have to leave the apartment at 5am…. Plus the town is absolutely darling, I can’t get enough of it.
So what would you do? Take a couple loans that you’ll be able to pay back in the next year? Or stay comfortably 20 miles away from work even though the living expenses would be more in the long run?
Discuss.
ETA: It surprises me that my first few comments were opposed to moving. I feel I need to add the following: Would YOU want to scrape your car at 4:30am in the middle of February in Chicago? Also, yes, we would be able to pay back the debt and save more by moving. Now discuss.
When the ever-lovely Ben put out a call for video blog requests, I had a single thought: Ben is ALMOST as cute as me, and people with French-sounding names are far superior to the rest of you Anglo minions, so he is clearly the sole choice and most qualified to play Renee in a tv movie of my life. And by “tv movie of my life,” I mean just the most important moment of my life, my 20sb video blog. Yes, it trumps my wedding. (But not Jim and Pam’s wedding. EPIC.)
Ahem. Where were we?
Oh. So I ask Ben if he would kindly recreate my 20sb video so I can see it like you guys did, as an outsider, not as someone who was concerned about the cleanliness of her kitchen or the nastiness of her hair. (Ben, your hair looks wonderful, btw. And cute storage boxes, too!) Also, Ben is better than me because he doesn’t overuse run on sentences like I have in this post. Canadian English > American English.
So here it is, in all its glory, Ben’s Recreation of the Un-Official 20SB Vlog. (Have I let this go to my head? I mean, it was my 15 minutes of internet fame, can’t we drag it out? Can’t I relive it one.more.time?)
Hey all, check out Jenn’s move-out specials at her blog. She has some really cute, geeky stuff. As always, the list of gar-blog sales can be found on my permanent page, aka Renee’s Shoe Fund. (Well, right now, a better name might be “Joe and Renee’s Grocery Fund Because They’re Tired of Eating Coffee Shop Leftovers.”)
Stay tuned tomorrow for an extra special treat!!
I imagine there will be more participants over the next week or so, but check out my gar-blog sale page as well as Katie’s. As I mentioned, this will be a permanent, ongoing project on my blog so check back often. I will always keep my page updated with other 20sb sales and will let you know via my RSS when there are new items from anyone. (But that also means you all need to keep me in the loop!)
In other news, I’ve been volunteering my free weekend at work. There’s a big festival in town that’s making my coffee shop crazy busy so I’ve been in the office, behind the espresso bar, brewing coffee, warming soup, restocking pastry cases, etc… and I love every single minute of my job. Also exciting? I’m probably going to barista school this winter. More on this later, I’m sure. 
Happy Sunday!
For a moment, I thought today was Wednesday. And I got REALLY REALLY excited for Wednesday night television programs. And then I realized it’s Monday and all I have to look forward to is grilled cheese and tomato soup.
I need you in my life more, Glee and So You Think You Can Dance.
