An Old Married Lady’s Guide to Snagging the Menfolk

I got married at 23. I am an expert at snagging menfolk. You will be, too, after taking this guide to heart. It is your new Bible. Breathe it. Take it seriously. It is foolproof.

Imbibe adult beverages in moderation.

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Watch what you eat.
Onion rings and Yuengling do not make for a balanced lunch.

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Along those same lines…
Don’t shove giant marshmallows in your mouth.

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Only wear respectable spectacles.
Nerd glasses are out of the question.

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Never let your friends publicly acknowledge your crush on a celebrity.

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If you’re in a play, refuse to wear the wig cap.
In fact, don’t be in plays. Respectable ladies don’t belong on stage.

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Don’t hang out with bloggers.
They’re the worst kinds of people.

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Only take flattering pictures of yourself.

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Don’t talk to your cat.

If you follow these simple rules, you’ll end up with a respectable young man to be your partner for life.

But if you don’t follow these simple rules, you’ll end up with someone way cooler.